Didn't think about feeling bad yesterday
Was I supposed to feel bad yesterday? It didn't occur to me, other than the regular worries about not getting enough housework done. Although I didn't do too bad on that score, even so.
I've lost two babies now. Some days are harder than others. My miscarriage came up at lunch on Friday, and I worry that I offended a good friend. There was the most adorably cute baby sitting behind us at lunch. She had the bluest blue eyes and a bunch of red hair. She was wearing a little pink sleeper and couldn't have been more than a few months old. Her mom was sitting in a booth behind our booth, and the mom's sister (with her back to us) was holding the baby so she was framed between the two people I was having lunch with. I interrupted my friend to say, "Look at that." I never interrupt.
My friend made a comment about did I ever think about having a little baby in the house. She was teasing good naturedly and I took it in that spirit. But then she teased that I wasn't listening; I had looked away when she asked the question. I had heard her though and replied, "Yes, I do."
I had been meaning to tell her about my loss, but she has been going through her own health problems lately and I didn't want to burden her. At the same time I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not sharing my troubles with her, as good friends do.
So, I took that moment to tell her that it was on my mind a lot lately, as I had had a miscarriage earlier this year. She teared up and said she was sorry for me. I had forgotten I'd told her how much I want another baby. I had seen another sweet baby girl on Thursday at the eye doctor. Her grandpa was holding her and feeding her a bottle and cooing at her. It was so precious.
I find I am more bitter and angry now than sad and lost. Sort of an improvement but sort of not. But I have only occasional flares instead of ongoing emotions about it. I had forgotten both due dates recently, but then recalled them.
I got bogged down in miscarriage stories this morning on blogs and one thread was about how Mother's Day was hard to get through. It was rainy and awful and we couldn't picnic like we had planned. So, we cleaned house instead. Wow, fun, we know how to live it up! I know. But Michael made shrimp fra diavolo for dinner and chocolate pudding with whipped cream for dessert and that was yummy. I took a nap with Carson too, which I love. It was chilly so we curled up in our bed and he zonked out. I feel these cuddle sessions are limited as he gets older. So, I cherish each one. It's so peaceful to watch him sleep. I feel virtuous, knowing he is getting the rest he needs. And I get to relax and not feel guilty for not doing housework at that particular moment.
I guess I am more focused on the future, than the past. I'm beginning to feel anxiety about "will we try again or not?" Now that I'm a year older, the risks seem stronger. Also, with the economy in the toilet, it feels riskier economically, too. I don't want to fall into that anxiety pit again. That would be awful.
Anyway, I focused on my sweet baby boy yesterday and my wonderful husband. Looking ahead doesn't mean you never look back.
I've lost two babies now. Some days are harder than others. My miscarriage came up at lunch on Friday, and I worry that I offended a good friend. There was the most adorably cute baby sitting behind us at lunch. She had the bluest blue eyes and a bunch of red hair. She was wearing a little pink sleeper and couldn't have been more than a few months old. Her mom was sitting in a booth behind our booth, and the mom's sister (with her back to us) was holding the baby so she was framed between the two people I was having lunch with. I interrupted my friend to say, "Look at that." I never interrupt.
My friend made a comment about did I ever think about having a little baby in the house. She was teasing good naturedly and I took it in that spirit. But then she teased that I wasn't listening; I had looked away when she asked the question. I had heard her though and replied, "Yes, I do."
I had been meaning to tell her about my loss, but she has been going through her own health problems lately and I didn't want to burden her. At the same time I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not sharing my troubles with her, as good friends do.
So, I took that moment to tell her that it was on my mind a lot lately, as I had had a miscarriage earlier this year. She teared up and said she was sorry for me. I had forgotten I'd told her how much I want another baby. I had seen another sweet baby girl on Thursday at the eye doctor. Her grandpa was holding her and feeding her a bottle and cooing at her. It was so precious.
I find I am more bitter and angry now than sad and lost. Sort of an improvement but sort of not. But I have only occasional flares instead of ongoing emotions about it. I had forgotten both due dates recently, but then recalled them.
I got bogged down in miscarriage stories this morning on blogs and one thread was about how Mother's Day was hard to get through. It was rainy and awful and we couldn't picnic like we had planned. So, we cleaned house instead. Wow, fun, we know how to live it up! I know. But Michael made shrimp fra diavolo for dinner and chocolate pudding with whipped cream for dessert and that was yummy. I took a nap with Carson too, which I love. It was chilly so we curled up in our bed and he zonked out. I feel these cuddle sessions are limited as he gets older. So, I cherish each one. It's so peaceful to watch him sleep. I feel virtuous, knowing he is getting the rest he needs. And I get to relax and not feel guilty for not doing housework at that particular moment.
I guess I am more focused on the future, than the past. I'm beginning to feel anxiety about "will we try again or not?" Now that I'm a year older, the risks seem stronger. Also, with the economy in the toilet, it feels riskier economically, too. I don't want to fall into that anxiety pit again. That would be awful.
Anyway, I focused on my sweet baby boy yesterday and my wonderful husband. Looking ahead doesn't mean you never look back.
posted by BnonB at 12:08 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home