Didn't think about feeling bad yesterday

Was I supposed to feel bad yesterday? It didn't occur to me, other than the regular worries about not getting enough housework done. Although I didn't do too bad on that score, even so.

I've lost two babies now. Some days are harder than others. My miscarriage came up at lunch on Friday, and I worry that I offended a good friend. There was the most adorably cute baby sitting behind us at lunch. She had the bluest blue eyes and a bunch of red hair. She was wearing a little pink sleeper and couldn't have been more than a few months old. Her mom was sitting in a booth behind our booth, and the mom's sister (with her back to us) was holding the baby so she was framed between the two people I was having lunch with. I interrupted my friend to say, "Look at that." I never interrupt.

My friend made a comment about did I ever think about having a little baby in the house. She was teasing good naturedly and I took it in that spirit. But then she teased that I wasn't listening; I had looked away when she asked the question. I had heard her though and replied, "Yes, I do."

I had been meaning to tell her about my loss, but she has been going through her own health problems lately and I didn't want to burden her. At the same time I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not sharing my troubles with her, as good friends do.

So, I took that moment to tell her that it was on my mind a lot lately, as I had had a miscarriage earlier this year. She teared up and said she was sorry for me. I had forgotten I'd told her how much I want another baby. I had seen another sweet baby girl on Thursday at the eye doctor. Her grandpa was holding her and feeding her a bottle and cooing at her. It was so precious.

I find I am more bitter and angry now than sad and lost. Sort of an improvement but sort of not. But I have only occasional flares instead of ongoing emotions about it. I had forgotten both due dates recently, but then recalled them.

I got bogged down in miscarriage stories this morning on blogs and one thread was about how Mother's Day was hard to get through. It was rainy and awful and we couldn't picnic like we had planned. So, we cleaned house instead. Wow, fun, we know how to live it up! I know. But Michael made shrimp fra diavolo for dinner and chocolate pudding with whipped cream for dessert and that was yummy. I took a nap with Carson too, which I love. It was chilly so we curled up in our bed and he zonked out. I feel these cuddle sessions are limited as he gets older. So, I cherish each one. It's so peaceful to watch him sleep. I feel virtuous, knowing he is getting the rest he needs. And I get to relax and not feel guilty for not doing housework at that particular moment.

I guess I am more focused on the future, than the past. I'm beginning to feel anxiety about "will we try again or not?" Now that I'm a year older, the risks seem stronger. Also, with the economy in the toilet, it feels riskier economically, too. I don't want to fall into that anxiety pit again. That would be awful.

Anyway, I focused on my sweet baby boy yesterday and my wonderful husband. Looking ahead doesn't mean you never look back.

Finally, the last bills

Yesterday I got the doctor's bill and the radiologist's bill. Those are the last ones, I think. All told, I've paid almost $1,500.

I don't care about the money so much; thank goodness I asked for a health reimbursement account and this little start-up came through for me.

I'm just tired of being reminded.

I still intend to go to a counselor for a few visits, but keep putting off scheduling it. What if I pick the wrong person and I have no rapport with her? There's a male psychiatrist just down the street, but what if he totally doesn't get why I want two kids?

My mom picked up a book for me by Garrison Keillor at the book loft. It included a CD with songs about his daughter. The book reprints the lyrics and illustrates them. The songs are so sweet and the book is so pretty. I had told Carson about it and he wanted to hear it. I started crying when I heard the lyrics. I so want a baby girl. I love my baby boy more than anything, but I so want a baby girl.

To-do lists from my dreams

Last night I had a dream about driving across the country with my parents. I did this once with my Dad when I got a job in Phoenix, AZ, after college. It was pretty fun, although my Dad was not much of a talker then.

Anyway, in the dream, we pulled off at this rest stop and I went into this little cottage up the hill from the restrooms. I found a bunch of my stuff in the cottage, and thought, "Oh, yeah, I dropped this off a few weeks ago. I need to figure out what I want in all this junk."
And in the dream, I remembered the last dream I had about driving cross country with my parents and dropping stuff off at this little house.

I can't remember if I found this bizarre within the dream or just in remembering the dream when I woke up. Either way, it's bizarre.

It always freaks me out to remember dreams within dreams. Is your sub-conscious supposed to be that intertwined?

Spending resolutions for Q1

Ok, we've entered the toughest year of the re-education process. No more stock options to cash in, no more co-op semesters to bolster the savings account.

So, to help out our weakened bank account - and to cut down on clutter in my house - I pledge to not spend any money in these places at least through March:

• Ben Franklin's
• JoAnn Fabrics
• Grinny Possum Yarn Store
• The Knit Nook
• Dee's - fortunately I have to make a special trip to this place
• Michael's
• Hobby Lobby
• Baer Fabric - with the one exception of spending $1 on buttons to finish a Christmas ornament
• Hancock's

I also pledge not to buy anything on these Web sites:

• WeeWonderfuls - I need to use the Stitchettes and Robot patterns that I already have
• FutureGirl - I need to make Octophrost and the other cool patterns I bought from her
• Etsy - no yarn, no other handmade goodness

I have to admit to a little extra Web shopping December to make my January pledge easier.

I got rid of 3 bags of fabric over the last month or so and I have two boxes of yarn that I haven't done ANYTHING with.
If I organize all the other crafty stuff I have, I shouldn't need to buy anything til at least June.

Wish me discipline and time to create instead of buy!

The Bub's Christmas wish: Something red

I noticed a wish list of Christmas gifts on the door of my son's preschool room today, and as I was walking out, I stopped to see what he requested.

There were 12 or so entries on the list, one for each kid in his room. Lots of them were brand-name things that you see in ads or plastered all over kids' clothing.

The Bubs' listing was: Wants something red. Too funny. I'll have to tell his teachers what this means.

At my mother's house at Thanksgiving, we read "Christmas Trolls" by Jan Brett. If you don't have any of her books, go now and buy some. In this story, the trolls steal Christmas decorations and presents from the main character's house. She starts carrying her favorite red horse in her pocket so it won't disappear. One day, she sees the hedgehog (who lives with the trolls) running off with the Christmas pudding and she races after it with her sled and reindeer (no kidding).

To show the trolls that Christmas is really about generosity and not the "I wants!", she realizes she'll have to give them her horse. It's a pretty red dala horse from Sweden.

The Bubs announced he wanted a red horse like that for Christmas. He has remembered that horse and amid all the catalogs and holiday onslaught, he keeps saying he wants a red horse for Christmas.

I did a search for a dala horse pattern the other day and -- reinforcing my love of the Internet and the generosity of crafters -- I found a pattern. It's for a quilt block, but I'm going to use it to make a stuffed dala horse.

The Ben Franklin's near my house has real wool felt and I bought some yesterday. I can't wait to get started.

I don't usually give myself much credit as a parent because I focus on all the things I'm not doing. But, it does make me feel good that he remembers the story and wants something unique and not mass-produced.

"It's Cooks'"

Any time my husband or I makes a dish that is really good and the other comments on that fact, the usual reply is, "It's Cooks'." Cooks Illustrated is a fantastic cooking magazine. It has no ads, it comes out every month, and the recipes are great.
Christoper Kimball, the founder, hosts a TV show on public television and writes the editor's letter each month. Almost every letter is about how strange and wonderful it is to live in New England. I can only imagine that the magazine is profitable because of his New England thrift. That would be a great article, a profile of him and his magazine.
In addition to publishing recipes that the authors test and tweak dozens of times, the magazine tests cooking equipment and ingredients too. Before I buy anything for the kitchen, I look up their recommendations on their web site. You have to subscribe to that in addition to the magazine, but it's worth it. Just yesterday I bought a electric knife for my dad based on their recommendation.
Their December issue had a new pie crust recipe in it and it called for vodka. I had never bought vodka before and although they recommended Grey Goose, I didn't really want to spend that much. The cheapest bottle had this huge black cap that I assume was an anti-theft device. That made me laugh and I figured I would feel silly buying that one. Although the thought of someone stealing it also made me feel sad.
ANYWAY, I jumped up one price level in the vodka selection and use dit to make the double crust recipe. Using another Cooks' recipe, I made a sweet potato pie that was devoured at my in-law's house. It has bourbon in the pie and a layer of brown sugar on between the crust and the pie. Mmmmmmm.
I needed only half the dough for my sweet potato pie and the other disk of dough has been in my fridge since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
I made this spiked apple tart last night with the other half of the dough and the crust was spectacular. I couldn't believe it was flaky and gorgeous after sitting in the fridge all that time.
It even rolled out better than the first one did. The tart has Calvados in it and it was delicious too. I had never made a free-form tart before and it was fun and easy. Another Cooks' victory.

Holiday ornament swap underway

I am excited about the Holiday Ornament Swap that cake & pie and freshly blended are sponsoring again this year. 600 people signed up to make holiday ornaments for strangers and mail them off. I love that kindness of strangers aspect of (some parts of) the Internet.

We got our swap lists on Tuesday and I clicked through to all the blogs that were listed in my group of 10 women. Last year there was one man in my group but he dropped out soon after the groups were announced.

One of the swappers in my group lives in England and as I was checking out her web site, I noticed you can find her work in a shop here in my very own town. So cool! I got some Christmas present ideas from her shop too.

I am ahead of the game this year. I have a prototype of my ornament done already and am using what I have. My husband has helped with the design process with mostly constructive feedback.

My inspiration comes from this new pattern and this tutowlrial. I am going to make some for gifts too.

I love getting mail! So exciting!

Feeling disloyal 17 years later

I had a great friend in college. She was funny, smart, sometimes morose, a lot like me. We were roommates freshman year; two women left in the dorm after most of the other newcomers left for sorority houses at the end of orientation week.

She gently made fun of my shrine to my high school boyfriend and the weak speech introductions I wrote for my college speech class. We schemed ways to find a ride downtown, as neither of us had a car. We had the same taste in music and people. She was wonderful, a perfect freshman roommate.

We even disliked the same people and music, which was also convenient. A mutual friend of ours liked Neil Young and often sang phrases from his songs. We both hated Neil Young, both for his skanky looks and yowl-y voice.

Years later I have come to appreciate Neil Young and am even listening to his new album right now.

Although I like his music now, I still feel disloyal for listening to it even now because of my friend. Part of our bond was hating Neil Young and I feel like a traitor for voluntarily listening to his music now.

Silly, I know, but true none the less.

We had a falling out 11 years ago, almost to the day. I miss her a lot. I wonder if she would WB if I sent her this blog post in a letter?